Mmm...creme brulee, I am in heaven. but I'll regret it when I head to the gym tomorrow and try to burn it off

So yesterday we talked and we really tried to straighten some things out. He tried to give me some of reasoning for his actions after a while and I promptly told him that I didn't even want to talk about it. I really didn't.
I was glad that we got to talk about some of my feelings about the whole ordeal. I got to express to him how I partly wanted revenge and wanted to make him hurt. He let me talk and tell him that.
He also expressed to me how sometimes he just wanted to out and ask me to be his gf but we both know that at this point, it wouldn't be functional. I still now just have suspicions being his friend.
We talked about how we're going to repair our friendship. I know we can do it, he just has to want to as badly as I do.
We'll see how this week goes.
Conversations will be different. That makes me sad, but I'm still happy that we'll be having them at all.
It's so ironic, once it happened, I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore (and for good, reasonable reasons). Yet, I can't imagine not talking to him again. I mean I can, but it would be horrible. I've gotten so spoiled by his presence it's like I can't go without it.
It's odd, even though I'm still hurt, and probably don't even realize just how much (since I'm so good at repressing my feelings), I still want him just the same way. As he is. As he was. As we were.
I spent the night over my friend's house on New Year's Eve, and the next morning I snuck up to the living room (which was MUCH warmer and more comfortable than the basement) and laid on the couch for just a few minutes. And the whole time I was up there, alone for the first time in a day, away from the party of girls sleeping downstairs, all I did with my time was think about him. I just laid there peacefully, the morning sun lighting the whole room softly, thinking about my favorite fantasy: he coming to see me, he sleeping on my couch, I emerging the next morning to take care of him. It sounds like an extremely odd fantasy I guess, but I wouldn't want anything more than to walk into my living room and see him sleeping comfortably there. I'd walk over and bend down and slowly run my hand through his hair, over his neck, lightly across his face, maybe kiss his cheek or forehead and watch him slowly open his eyes. Maybe we'd smile at each other.
I just want want to take care of him so bad. I guess, because I always feel he's taking care of me. I think I want him to need me more than just want me. After what happened, I felt like he really didn't need me for anything, because obviously, some other girl could give it to him just as easily. I think I really just need to feel needed.
But that emotional need won't be fulfilled now, because we're only friends now. We have to be because nothing else would work out right now.
It's the worst, this a time where, in the past, I would probably need him most, but it's not like that now.
It's also ironic that on New Years when the ball dropped, I wanted him to be the one I was kissing. I wanted us to be sitting on a couch comfortably, and I wanted to suddenly crawl towards him and just plant a kiss on his lips. I wanted him to not expect it at all but just to fall in love with it...with me maybe. I don't know. But he was my last thought of the old year and my first thought of the new year. Even though he didn't deserve that privilege, he had it.
It was a a true and wonderful blessing that I was out amongst my friends that night celebrating otherwise I would've felt lonelier than ever without him.